Been trying to do it all for awhile and I've totally lost myself. For the last few months I've been working almost 50 hours per week. Missing temple frequently. Neglecting my children. Not happy with my pay rate. I haven't been happy with THAT for years. But in the recent months, with my job duties amounting to basically the general manager of the place, and not being recognized. It hurts. I'm very hurt. I don't even want to get into the whole job thing but the point is: I haven't had a Saturday off since September. that's almost 6 months. I've worked for sure 6 days but sometimes seven days a week. I'm desperate to "be the best" and it's just not being recognized or appreciated. It's horrible for my self esteem. Set up for failure as I'm expected to:
be the bookkeeper
be the staff accountant
perform payroll/HR
customer service
sales assistant
project manager
manage 6 calendars
office manager
order ALL things office, shop, inventory, supplies, toilet paper
create and manage 2 sets of paperwork for every customer
help boys with issues that I know nothing about
set up all new company accounting
serve as in house IT service.
NO ONE can do all that. No one. So I miss something because I'm overwhelmed and I get a bad mark in bosses head but I NEVER get recognized for the 99 of 100 things I perform correctly. and I make the wage of someone who does: cust service, filing, calendaring, sales assistant, answer phones. Anything over that and someone making my salary would stare blankly and say "I don't know how to do that." It will be more expensive to replace me I guarantee it.
blah. I didn't want to get in to that.
Somehow I found myself here in my good old blog from way back and I was like oh my god who is this amazing girl who packs a picnic on the way to the gym and then takes her kids to the park after the gym? Who does 3 day juice cleanses and makes amazing vegan food. Whole entire meals? Lately we rotate between: burritos, bowls, spaghetti, gardien 'fish' sticks, back to burritos. what the FUCK happened? I'm so unhappy
I have a whole 2 days off this weekend tho!!! Tomorrow we are going to CLEAN the whole house and get rid of crap and I'm going to pull out my sewing machine. Then we, as a family are going to create a job board for the kids. THEN I'm going to catch myself up on my gift shop accounting and attend the full sunday time at the temple. Need to make time for chanting so that I can get centered and go to work Monday fresh and get shit done because I am actually the best.
I feel like I've been on an emotional roller coaster. I keep going back and forth about the whole job thing. I keep asking for a raise and explaining why I deserve it and he just shoots me down because he really doesn't know all that I do. He really doesn't... I was offered $20 per hour to be the office manager with one full time guy "under" me. But I didn't take it because it wasn't around the corner from home like my current job. I need to be close for my kids. THEN I told boss I would stay and money isn't everything. THEN one day later I brought up pay again. That was today and he pounded the desk and screamed that it's not gonna change, I don't really remember what he said it was so shocking and hurtful to be screamed at like that. But I talked right back. I told him "I dont' know how to do that" about a GENERAL LEDGER accounting thing he was asking me to do. So all that happened and the relationship is just deteriorating. I love the guy as a person I really do. He's very sweet and loyal I can tell from what he's told me about his life and family. And he also apologized and was nice to me after the yelling attack. But this is no way to operate in a work environment. Although maybe it is, with the open door policy and we can always talk to him about whatever so maybe this is the trade off? Be ready for honest reactions I guess. oh, also, I'm late every day, so that means I have NO ground to stand on when it comes to performance or excellence. Staying HOURS late every day for 3 months straight? no that means nothing because I was 3 - 10 min late 4 of 5 days this week.
Meanwhile for an entire month I have been DYING of pain in my mouth. I was totally sure that it was a TMJ flare up. Because I've had it before and I had a perfectly fine tooth root-canaled, then eventually pulled out because of pain, and then still had the pain with no tooth. So, there was a TMJD disorder diagnosis. 10 years later, other side of my face. I thought it was my tooth at first because a corner broke off and I was sure the tooth was rotten from the inside. well the dentist exrayed and fixed the corner that broke and said it's fine. pain got worse and worse and WORSE. Every day, I would come home, and lay on the couch with my pajamas on and mike would have to make dinner and I was DESPERATE for pain relief. Overdosing on Advil would take it away for 3.5 hours. after much arguing with the dr office about what i need, I went back to the dentist. I insisted that she recheck the tooth. It WAS rotten, I got it pulled, it was really gross. I'm sore from the extraction but the jaw\ear pain is better. I feel kind of like a jerk because I was so pissed at my dr. But still, a person shouldn't have to fight that hard to get help for any kind of pain. Even if you go to the dr for tooth pain they should help. I went to urgent care and they gave me nothing except advice: Warm compress. DAMMITTTTTT
But thank GOD That rotten lump is out. my poor jaw bone. I ordered the bone nutrient supplement from doterra, and I'm taking my vitamins and DDR Prime.
So ya. man, thanks for listening. I'm looking for lower-key bookkeeper jobs. pay 20-25 an hour. usually very low hours so I can get 1 or 2. maybe work from home. wish me luck.
I've been making MORE soapy stuff. Lotion and chapstick are the old standby's. I also make actual soap & Bath bombs. I'm going to try making felted soap and open a little booth at the farmers market for $20. fun!!
I NEED to lose weight. I'm going to get on here and write down some of MY OWN recipes that just stupid fell out of my brain from non use.
I'm back up to 175 dear god what happened to me.
Wish me luck all friends I love you and I love myself I need to wake the fuck back up
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