Three years

I was just like a little child and I was broken and cold, but never forsaken. I reached out and took the hand that was given to me so freely and I walked into treatment and into Alcoholics Anonymous. Into the warmth and into the light, I walked with a heavy heart. I was freed from the bondage of self, relieved of the obsession to drink alcohol.


Today I live in gratitude, not fear. I feel pride and not shame. I have relief instead of guilt. I have hope in my life! I have responsibility and I live up to it. Three years?? Is this me? I am a good person.

Three years ago today, I screamed at my mom to give me alcohol and she would not. My own Mother. Oh God, she gave me the greatest gift a mother can, she took that demon into herself to save me. Seems silly to tell it now, but that is exactly what she did. For it was less than two years later that the same evil power took her life. Forever. And I know, she knew.

ooooooh the intruigue

Black Swan

Check that out~ am I the biggest dork for not knowing about this movie till just now??



check THIS OUT! this is a picture of my ass in some goal pants one month ago (left duh) and just today (on the right.) there's room for another photo (for when they're falling off.........

on the warpath

or: I'm on a rampage? A mellow rampage. I watched a documentary last night called the beautiful thing I think. It's about this Dr who cured cancer in the 40's named Dr Gerson. I mean, that's the basic subject of the documentary. and it goes on about how curing cancer is a business and everyone would be out of a job if they actually DID cure cancer. SO it's this big conspiracy theory. But I totally believe it. And then I was reminded of all these other food related conspiracies I get all excited about but never follow through with. The "juiceman" was on this movie. Its all about curing cancer with juicing, and coffee enemas, and getting cancer causing stuff out of our food and bodies. So today, I busted out the juicer and got "Skinny Bitch" from the library. It's a GREAT book. More conspiracy stuff and it's all true and I want to go vegetarian this time for real. I want to be healthy most of all and i know that WITH that, will come super-skinny. I know it.

I haven't taken laxatives since Thursday. Diuretics either. and I'm super successful in the bathroom anyway! yaaaaaaaaaaaay. I'm eating tons of GOOD poop making foods: apples, flax seeds, beets, probiotics... I made spicy butternut soup this weekend and ate that a few times. that had chicken broth in it...

UGH! this book IS SUPER good.

Simeon is 3

My Baby boy is 3 tomorrow. We're having a little costume party. I cashed in on all the sales of halloween stuff. Not scary halloween, fun for kids.

I didn't go to the gym today. I ran all around the world getting ready for this party and going to school for my Art Lit lesson--I volunteer at my 8 year olds school doing Art Literacy for his class. Each month is a featured artist. They learn the history and life story of the artist and some technique as well as art terms, ideas, and theory. It's the BEST ever thing I could do as a volunteer. So once a month I also go in first to learn the whole lesson plan and everything. So I did that part today.

Today I ate 1045 cals.
I was 154.3 this morning. grrrrrr

We're going to the gym in the morning. Then clean house, then party. I'm still really sore. Worse than last night even...

Oops I did it again!

I ran a mile again today, and faster even! I can't believe it. I'm a RUNNER. ME.... YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Today I ate 1059 cals.
I'm still 154.5

On my period, hopefully I loose a couple pounds JUST for that. Let alone all my superwoman running. I'm going to start upping my distance ASAP.I have to take tomorrow off I'm in PAIN tonight. I think I'll go to yoga tomorrow, but no running or weights.

hearts!

sheeze

I'm bored. everyone is asleep in bed and it's not even 9:30. I loooooooooove my quiet time in the eve after bed. But I just wish I had a game or something.or someone fun to chat with.

bluh, i'm still 165 two weeks later. :( I'm kinda pissed but I'm still going to the gym tomorrow fuck that.

ugh

I'm hungry! today I've eaten:

Breakfast 95
~coffee
~1/2 apple

snack 33
~graham cracker

lunch 320
~Green Tea Jamba Macha

snack 140
~trader joes corn puffs

dinner 250
~soup
~cornbread

snack 145
~graham cracker
~toast
egg whites


total 990
with my workout that makes me only NET 250ish which IS my goal, but I am still tripping that it's too much. I'm just so fuckin starving. I THINK I've lost 1.5 pounds since last week. Is that enough for this torture?? NO but I think I should give any torture at least two weeks before I try to tweek it. I can do it. I can FOR SURE DO IT, cuz I AM doing it and I'm not going to die--I'm going to be skinny and lengthy and flexible!!!

DAMMIT!!!!

Restricted

I haven't REALLY lost any weight since last week-still 178 I'm very disappointed to report. I was so pissed that it made me swim harder and feel more determined to eat less and no naughty treats! When I'm weak and "can't" control my appetite, and eat the same dinner as the family, I'm really being a BIG BABY and thinking I should be able to and I eat it and say "so there". RIDICULOUS! haha well I'm glad I learned that lesson pretty early on. I got some pickles, chicken broth, skim milk, pop, special K. Today I've had 1 small banana for breakfast with loaded coffee (going to use skim from now on), a sm nectarine, special K with skim. And I did my legs (weights) and swam for 45 min.

..... it's dinner now. I just fed my family chicken delux quesadillas. I'm eating a stalk of celery. I'm starving, and this fuckin celery actually tastes good to me haha!

my point is: these tricks WORK! I ate pickles and a diet dr pepper for lunch and that's at MOST 10 cals!!! HAHAHAAAAAAAAAA! I'm stoked.

I might have to go to red robin after the meeting--if we go, I'll try to have tea, but if I'm gonna get tortured by everyone elses chili cheese dip, I'll have a garden salad with the dressing on the side. I'll check in after.

YOU CAN TO THIS BITCH!


...... ok so we went to Red Robin and I was SOOOOOOOOOOOO hungry! So I ordered a cobb salad, and cut it up and mixed it all together and then put half of it in a box to go home. Then, I but the littlest bit of ranch I could live with and I ate that and a COUPLE fries. total cals 450-ish... I did put the rest in the fridge, but I might throw it out in the morning cuz that's nasty, I'm not gonna want to eat a blobby salad. total intake for today=935 I burned 750 at the gym.... that's pretty darn good I THINK...

chuggin along

today my intake was 976 (1000)I haven't been to the gym in like 4 days! gross, I'm going tomorrow. Murray gym- and I'm gonna do some heavy weights and then swim...

I DID do my ab routine on the floor once today.

SO, tomorrow's a new day. I'm honestly going to be depressed if I have gained weight, or not lost AT ALL. I was 178 the last I checked at the gym.....

whomp

Today, I did good, I nibbled when we went to the farmer market. Only had a cracker and one salami for lunch. Dinner was burgers- I ate a spring mix first till I felt full then a HALF a burger and an aranciata, and I'm gonna have one of those jello mousse's for 60 cals.... and still I should be under 1200 for the day.

HUH! I'm eating this Jello Mousse deal and it's pretty good! usually "sugar free" actually tastes like nasty chemicals. I can't taste artificial sweetener at all. Texture is a bit plasticky, but I can handle that.

The other thing about today is that I got the whomp super bad. Like the worst I can remember maybe since I quit drinking.... I took one quick trim, and a couple hours later I got my power pops in the mail and tried that. I don't know what food or combination gave me this super bad painful gas that is STUCK in my chest practically.


zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I can do it!

I ate abt 1300 calories today. I did my stomach exercises and others-legs, back, butt. just a bit on the floor a couple of different times. I can suck in my gut like I haven't been able to in I dont know how long. I feel less bloated, lighter. I LOVE IT. I have a stomach ache a lot, but it's worth it. I know 1300 is still a lot and I have to get it down even more. But I also know I CAN. I ate a stupid pastry for breakfast--250 cals plus 100 for loaded coffee. which is all a waste I normally don't do.

I have to go to bed, we're going to the farmers market in the morning. It's hard to count cals on the weekend.... hmmmm

I want to start keeping lists of things to do and structure my day better.

so

So today, I ate ONE chicken burrito from taco bell because I was starving--I didn't eat for too long and couldn't control myself when I went to get the kids something. those are 300 cals. then I had a bowl of total for dinner. Right now I'm at 650 cals for the day which is good. And I guess this is probably not the best but I'm going grocery shopping now and it's 10pm. and I'm taking Corbin. It's really hot the last couple days and I dont' want to go in the heat torture with Simeon to three stores tomorrow. So I'm gonna get the big one done tonight, and I had to wait till everyone ELSE is asleep. that's why so late.

OH! and I got the quick trim box today so I'm back on that cleanse which I LOVE.

on fire

So yesterday was ok. I worked out HARD (so I'm sore today) and I still only ate less than 1200 cals. Then I went to bed and I was cold and I couldn't sleep. So, I got up for a nibble and I ate probably 200 cals and went to bed. Which is no good I guess BUT whatcha goona do. HAha I'm watching Lorraine Bracco on the View. Fuggettabowdit

I was hungry all day though. It's hard.

I ordered some Power Pops. BFF came over yesterday and was glum about her weight. She lost SOOOO much weight and only weighs 115 or less. But she still has a bit of tummy and I wanted to tell her about my blog. But I just cant. well maybe I'll tell her later. She looks great though! It's amazing and an inspiration in itself.

I'm not going to the gym but I'll do my ab routines.

rad

I can't believe it, but I went to bed hungry last night and I fell asleep! I did it! yaaaaaay!

I feel like saying a little bit more about why I hate my body. I can't paint my toenails. I have a hard time performing hygene. I can't see my tutu. I can't groom my bikini area. I have to LIFT my stomach sometimes GROSS!

ok, I'll check in later to give my counts.

Thank God

I went to Red Robin with my group after the meeting and I was SO GOOD. I just had a mint tea. When I got home I cleaned the whole kitchen and swept and mopped and then came in the living room and did another ab routine. 100 crunches + a couple other things.... It feels GOOD to be NOT FULL. I can suck in my stomach and I'm still fat but I'm not bloaty and roundy inside. I'm NOT meant to be this way! I obsess about it way too much--like nonstop constantly. I know other girls just as big or bigger and I don't think they're fat pigs, but it's just not ME. I'm meant to be lengthy and flexible. I'm so miserable like this its a WONDER I haven't taken drastic measures sooner!

What the fuck?? I've been keeping this inside me for YEARS. I mean, I tell Mike I hate it but I try to down play it because I don't' want him to worry about me at all. I did mention tonight that I'm going on a diet and a hard one too. He said not to go too hard because then I'll get burned out and give up. I will NOT give up. This is the END of fat for me.

According to the Livestrong website I use to track my intakes and workouts, in order to loose 3 pounds a week I should eat 1200 calories a day. It takes into account my regular activity, but when I work out, I can supposedly eat that many more calories. Today I had 1100 Calories AND I worked out. Amazing. This day is a success.

I NEVER go to bed hungry so that's the scary thing right now. I don't know if I can do it. SO worst case, I'll warm up a cup of 1% milk if I can't sleep.....

line in the sand

Ok, so I'm not kidding I am over being fat. Last night I started looking up anorexia websites because, well, I honestly wanted some tips. I thought they would all be recovery ones but I might still find something. Well, I found a LOT, much more than I thought was out there. There's a whole sub-culture of PRO anorexia support!

It is WEIRD... I'm not anorexic, I'm just dieting. That's the truth because I still eat, I don't want my metabolism to stop, I'm still OVERWEIGHT. And I LIKE a very slender body. I WANT to be skinny, like i was just after high school. Sure I was partying a LOT and using drugs, but I'm seriously going to TRY to get like that again without drugs.
Today for breakfast I had coffee, and 2 bites of Simeon's cereal (215 cal tops) lunch I had HALF a sandwich and some blueberries and vitamin water(400) and I'm gonna have a mid afternoon snack of yogurt and a clementine. And for dinner I'm making a pasta bake with cheese and sausage. THAT's the worst hard part: feeding my boys and ALSO loosing weight. It's practically impossible. OK I'm gonna TRYYYYY to only eat ONE CUP of that bake and I'll put it on a small plate and eat really slow. And I'll take an alli.

I was 186 when I started back at the gym TWO months ago. In all that time I've only lost 8 pounds--I weighed in today at 178. that makes me happy but it's WEAK. Fuck that. I want to loose NO LESS than 3 pounds a week until I'm not kidding :125

It feels so good to say all this out loud if even only to myself.

HAHA, I need to clean my camera

Alpha Poem DELORIS

Disenchanted
Ever
Lost
Offered
Relentlessly
Incomplete
Self

worst mom ever

I hate this: Simeon is being a holy terror as usual. he runs around and goes out of his way to destroy things. He dumped 1/2 the bathwater out on the floor while I wasn't looking, and flooded the bathroom. Little bit later, we were just starting to have a dance party and he went over to the computer desk and dumped my drink. On purpose. just pushed it over. And I mean this is in addition to the constant chaos. I feel bad already, then I scream at both of them "Corbin, I'm sorry your brother ruins everything!!"

I told Simeon ALL DAY that we would go outside and play after Corbin got home from school. Corbin came home, did his homework and had a snack, started his chores. We all go out. After just a few minutes, Corbin was begging for me to let him go in the cul de sac without a helmet all by himself. First of all, no helmet. Second, Simeon will want to follow. So he starts screaming he hates me, and Simeon copied him. Then Simeon starts rolling uncontrolled toward the street and there's a car coming. I run at top speed and a guy across the street starts waving wildly at the car. I reach him inches from the street and just as the car stops at the same spot. So then Simeon is screaming and arching his back, Corbin is in tears......


what the fuck right??!!

She definitely wasn't old enough. I'm looking at pictures of my mom and that's who she is now. A bunch of pictures from a long time ago. Its like she didn't want to live as an old woman, she wanted to be young forever and that's how I'll remember her. I get it, I feel like that sometimes. Like my life is on the downswing because I'm old. I see how she could have felt like it's not worth it. Knowing what life could be, and what it was, and not wanting to be anything less. I feel that sense of loss, of my young self. and we have facebook so we can find all our long lost friends who remind us even worse. But then I feel like maybe life starts at 50. That's when the kids will be starting to get out on their own, freeing us up to be kids again and go on vacations and travel.

it's just sad how for years, mom was feeling regret.